Sooner Rather Than Later
Yesterday was a good day and a bad day. It was sort of a wash. My mother had some health issues that had me worried throughout the day and I had to postpone my call with my insurance company’s nurse life coach until this evening.
My sister and best friend had a long chat about navigating life after GBP. I didn’t catch much of it, but what I did catch was helpful. I’ll ask my own questions when the time comes. Right now, I have several feelings but the most dominant feeling is hope. I have hope. There comes a time for every obese person where they reach an “F-it” mind frame. That comes at a different time for each person, but it’s basically a flawed reasoning that both allows you to see that things need to change, yet restricts you from making that change because you are now complacent. You might even reach a point where you’re just maintaining the weight you’re currently at, and that works, because your weight isn’t increasing, right? But back to this hope that I feel…
One thing that has really managed to grate at my nerves has been the way that people try to mollify me by saying, “you’re still young, you have time.” Twenty-seven isn’t young, and there isn’t that much time left for all the things you’d like to do in your life that do have expiration dates. I’m still young enough to defer traveling the world, I’m young enough to defer marriage… but in terms of my age and fertility, no, I’m not young. The way I see it, were I to raise a child on my own I’d first need to advance my education which could take anywhere from 3-8 years. So if I were to fast forward eight years, I’d be 35 and right at the age where doctors like to tell you that your pregnancy is high risk, and a first pregnancy at that? It’s crazy. So no, I’m not young. Throw in my fertility issues because of obesity. While pregnancy is possible, it likely requires a firm decision to begin a family and medicinal help to do so. I don’t know that anyone besides me has thought this through with half as much detail as I have, but it is my life.
So, again, hope… This surgery restores my hope. By losing weight, my body might once again be on track and I might have hope that a baby is possible. I also have hope to be able to do something that most people take for granted, walk into a store and buying something that fits without struggle and elastic. I don’t have much longer to go before surgery. I entered into the GBP pilot program in May, so that would have me see my six-month wait up in October-November. It’s September now, so I have my rescheduled psychiatric evaluation and another visit with my PCP scheduled as well next week. I am rounding the bend, so again, I feel incredibly hopeful.
*UPDATE*
I just re-checked the requirements for participation in the bariatric pilot program published by my health insurance company and, it looks like I’ll be finished in October with one final phone call from my nurse life coach. All this time, I had thought that it required 6 months continuous visits to my PCP beginning from the time of enrollment in the pilot program. However, what it states is that the “member must participate in a physician-supervised weight loss program for a period of at least 6 months within the previous year prior to request for surgery.” It doesn’t say continuous, and it doesn’t say that it had to be the 6 months immediately prior to surgery.
I don’t plan on disclosing this to the nurse life coach because I don’t think that she’s a. aware, and b. that she’s keen on loopholes, but I have always maintained that if a person could prove that they’ve tried to lose weight and met all of the other criteria, then why make them wait 6 months just to talk on the phone with a nurse life coach that can’t make any real impact. All she’s doing is asking me questions and giving me suggestions that feel a little…asinine. She suggests things like eating more protein; Lady, I understand that protein helps me feel fuller longer… but did you ever stop to think about the fact that my issue isn’t solely eating the wrong things, but eating gargantuan amounts of anything? I can’t just eat a nectarine and feel satisfied, I have to eat four nectarines so I can feel full. There’s nothing that she can do about the compulsions that I feel to eat until full, or even uncomfortable, only I can do that and that makes her immaterial in this process. I need a counselor. I don’t feel that it’s healthy that I need to feel my stomach stretching and distension before I stop eating. I should be able to just stop and say, that was delicious and not keep eating until I want to vomit just because it tastes good.
I worry a lot about that because if I don’t get that under control, this surgery will not be a success. Let’s start this new and necessary behavioral pattern change today.