State of the Stomach

I'm MISERABLE. I'M ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE and I'm questioning my whole life.

Surgery was three days ago and I'm still in a lot of pain because, well, I've just been surgically gutted. I have no idea of what kind of pain I'm to expect, and I can't recognize when I'm full because the pain from surgery is so intense that I'm always feeling that.


I've been afraid to do anything. I'm afraid to drink more than a medicine cup at a time, but I'm dying to at least drink a mouthful at a time because I'm so thirsty. Being thirsty like this makes it really hard to take two teaspoons and drink that over the course of 15 minutes. I'm afraid to eat (soup) because I'm afraid to do damage to my still healing pouch. I'm afraid to move because I'm hurting so much, particularly in my left side which feels as if I took a particularly brutal beating to the abdomen at the hands of NYPD police. When I stand and walk, I feel as if my stomach is going to fall out of place, it feels as if it's literally dropping and I hold my gut to keep it in place and relieve the pain.

I'm afraid to touch the surgical glue at my incision sites because I'm scared that they'll open and get infected.


So basically, unless I have gas, I lay in bed afraid to move because I don't want to feel any additional, self-inflicted pain.


As I lay there I think, "I made a huge mistake. This is no more or less tortuous than strenuous exercise at the gym. In fact, it's worse. If I didn't feel like my abdomen was falling away, I'd ruthlessly and mercessly strangle anyone who ever said that gastric bypass was the easy way out.


You go get hacked in half and then let someone say that shit to you and see how you feel about it. The gym is the damn easy way out and it takes less time too. I'm going to have to be on vitamins forever (which I'm afraid to take because I'm afraid of my stomach pouch not holding them,) my pain meds don't work, my pregnancies could very well be high risk... Who the hell thought this was a good idea?!


I'm on Pinterest pinning all of these delicious looking, tiny sandwiches and trying to figure out how I'm going to make time in my work day to eat at 8 am, 10 am, noon, 2 pm, 4 pm, and 6 pm without someone complaining that I'm not working. I'm TRYING to live and I think I just found a good way to kill myself. Am I being too fatalistic?


In short, I'm regretting this decision and I wish I'd ripped the damn insufficient IV out and that sleep monitor off my head and run out of the pre-op room before they sedated me into submission.

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