She's About To Burst W I D E open!
Can you tell that I'm getting SUPER excited? I just have about an hour left before I head to my last pre-op-physician-supervised-diet-attempt visit. This relieves everyone, including my PCP, because I know he was getting tired of filling stuff out. He's also not very supportive of the surgery, but I just ignore him. I've been seeing him since 2009 trying to lose weight and there was no change from then to now. So... yeah. And you know what, I had to take off work and all types of crap to make this work, wasting vacation and sick time that I could've been storing up for my post-surgery recovery. What will end up happening is my having to take LWOP in order to recover after surgery.
Given the time table I outlined yesterday, which puts my consultation at October 16th, 2013, my surgery might occur around November 7th. After that, I have to push myself to the maximum, almost to my breaking point to lose as much weight as I can before the pageant. Yes, I'm doing all of this and there is a pageant in the works. Crazy, I know.
As far as the pageant is concerned, I'm really trying to prove a point to myself. I'm trying to prove that I can win, and that I can win as a plus sized woman, but the catch is that I have no idea what size I'll be even a month removed from surgery which makes it difficult to order my dress and have it in time to compete. I prefer to order my dresses from dress makers in China because the dresses cost less and because I can have them made with my measurements. Last year, my dress was phenomenal. This year, I'm ordering at least two dresses and I need a month or more to make sure they get here... that means I have to a. guess at what size I'll be, and b. strive to attain it if I fall short. I'm probably crazy for trying to do this, but it's really important to me. Like I said a few posts back, I will move pieces of the Earth's geography to make things happen for me that I consider important. I get really indignant about it and I take things personally. This is the last year that I'm eligible to compete and I want it that much worse now that I'm "too old."
-several hours later-
The psychiatric evaluation is compete and I am being recommended for surgery. I really enjoyed my experience with Dr. Riley, I'm actually interested in pursuing therapy on my own. I feel like I could benefit from it.
I'm so excited. I gained even more insight into myself. My favorite parts were when she asked about other people's perceptions and the new attention that comes from weight loss. I explained to her that, in reality, I am the type of person that holds grudges. So, if at any time in the future I were to be approached by someone that spurned me in the past, I'd be abrasive and rude in response because I don't ever forget how someone made me feel. What I might find challenging is finding the appropriate response to someone that never knew me at me largest. Of all of the requirements that I found quite arbitrary and unnecessary, this was not one of them. The rapport that I felt with Dr. Riley is one that I wish I could find in a therapist and I would maintain that relationship.
I'm truly excited about this. I was asked why I chose the procedure that I chose and this was my response: with the lap band, the most I could hope to lose was 60 pounds, which I had been able to lose successfully on my own once before. It didn't seem like surgery was necessary for that. Lap band is also reversible, which would have negatively affected me and my progress if I felt that I could easily return to my previous lifestyle and habits; I didn't want something reversible. The sleeving didn't appeal to me because I felt that it didn't suggest a strong enough commitment as the middle ground between lap band and bypass. Gastric bypass, however, was the strongest commitment to my mind. It requires a complete life change and a truly new way of looking at things. It combines restriction and malabsorption, which sleeving does not; sleeving only restricts. Deciding on a laparoscopic approach was a no brainer for minimal scarring. However, if complications arise, the doctor can do whatever they see fit to do, I have no objections.
I accept the fact that, with any surgery, there is the risk of death. When asked how I felt about that, I told her that if I died, I wouldn't feel anything about it because I'd be dead. I've got this attitude towards death that can only be classified as accepting. I have explained to my friends and family that it is possible and I've had plans outlined in the eventuality of my premature death for years, primarily because I was exposed to death at a young age. I just updated my beneficiaries on my life insurance policy last week... since it's October, I think I'll increase my policy amount.
I talked to my best friend, MT, last night and she said that her insurance company took two days to return with approval. So maybe it won't take a full two weeks to be approved and have a consultation. I'm extremely prayerful about it. I am so thankful to God for the intricately woven cloth of blessings that made this possible. Honestly, I do a lot of private fussing about my job and how I'm not paid based on what the additional duties should be paid, but the opportunity to have this surgery covered by both my primary and secondary insurance is a very large blessing and I can only thank God for that.