Keep the Faith

The past few days have been...interesting.

I was so excited about that house, but once I was finally able to SEE it, I was so angered an disgusted at the audacity of the homeowner.

I pulled up, optimistic that the interior would be as nice as the exterior led me to believe and I was feeling that way despite the traffic that lengthened a 17 minutes dive into a 30 minute commute, (which I'll need to take into consideration before I pick up my daughter from daycare and am late retrieving her.) But, I pull up into the driveway and struggle to use the key to unlock the freaking door. There was some kind of trick to it that really further pissed me off. *PRO TIP* I do NOT like to be frustrated.

There was a cat on the front porch that meowed at me and I thought, "I'd bet he thinks this is his porch." I shrugged that off and went inside...Now, I'm certain that cat thinks it's his house because the house immediately smelled like cat. If you have never owned a cat and visited a person who has one, or SEVERAL, you know what that smells like. The smell never leaves either. Bedroom 1: small and is the closest to the street, not appropriate for my daughter because she shouldn't ever be so far from my ability to get to her and so, this would be my office. Can it work for such a purpose? Yes. There are red stains on the carpet and exposed nail tack. Noted. Living Room: HUGE holes in the carpet, more exposed nail tack where the kitchen and the living room join, heavily soiled areas...I'm now getting angry. Bathroom 1: WHERE IS THE TOILET LID? Master Bedroom: There's neither a shower curtain nor a door and it's looking like there should be a door to this kind of shower. The carpet is a mess, more nails in the floor, walls have been dinged and chipped and I think, "I know damn well no one better blame me for this." The tub has a panel hanging off of it. There is no lid to the toilet. Kitchen: the counter-top laminate is peeling away from every surface. The front panel is hanging off of the dishwasher. Oh! And there's no fridge. Even a basic freaking fridge is going to cost me $600.00 and, ofc I'm not going to just get a basic fridge with a newborn. So...WTF. ANGRY. STABBY. These are the feelings.

These are not things to expect when seeing a three bedroom home, and if they are, I must be a bourgeois betch or something because I have never lived in that kind of disrepair. I thank my mother for that. I walked away from that house so disappointed because I was so close to securing the home I needed in which to comfortably raise my daughter for the next two years or so. [insert angry face.]

With the last energy stores I had left for the night, I got on Zillow and found another suitable listing and made contact. i remain optimistic about this home and drove by the neighborhood late that night to see what the neighborhood looked and sounded like at night...peaceful. So I will follow up with that on Monday, Aug 10. In the meantime, I contacted the realtor to let them know that house number 1 was unacceptable in its current state and that, I'd be willing to make the necessary repairs, but only if I were paying far less in rent. Ugh, the nerve.

A friend of mine suggested I begin keeping a faith journal and I really cant shake the idea of trying despite a very real fear that I have about coming off as hypocritical. Religious fanatics really and truly chafe my butt. They are very irritating people and I don't want to become one, but I do want to strengthen my faith in God because everyone needs something and I'm not a drugs or alcohol kind of person. I keep "hearing" God tell me not to take my eyes off of him like Peter and walking on water; that story hasn't left my consciousness in weeks. I keep feeling like he troubled the waters all around me and told me that in order to continue to stand and walk despite the storm, I'd need to focus on Him. So, the faith journal should help me do that. I was kind of leaning towards this one to the right here. I am still thinking it over. I might even be overthinking it because it's supposed to be reflective and revelatory. I don't know what I'm expecting to get out of it. I'll probably bite soon and get it.