I Want to Feel What Love Is, I Know You Can Show Me

Today, I met the love of my life.

I have been waiting, rather impatiently for the last 7 weeks to meet this child and I met Thing 1 today. I still don't know the gender of the baby yet because I'm only at 11 weeks, but when the ultrasound was done this morning, I let out an audible gasp. The last time that I had an ultrasound, my gynecologist ordered a transvaginal ultrasound because she wanted to know what was going on with me due to previous issues reproductively and that day, I saw a very small sac, but no baby.

When baby is a very small blip on the screen, you don't see a baby, you see a zygote, a concept of a baby.

Today, I'm not sure what I was expecting to see, but when I saw a little head I let out an audible gasp. For several weeks I told myself, "as long as you're not bleeding or don't start bleeding, you are fine, you're still pregnant." I'd been sick, I have remained exhausted, been dragging my butt all over the place just to get tiny things done. (By the way...pregnancy is a terrible experience so far,) but then...

My baby wiggled so much, we almost couldn't gauge the heart rate because wiggle-monster wouldn't be still. So today was the first day that my child made me laugh as well.

Two Arms, Two Feet...and a Wiggle Baby

I'm not showing yet and I'm pretty surprised by that, but at the size of a lime, it's in there. I'm still projected to have the baby 11/07, but I am hoping for 11/11 very much. I am told that most first babies are late, never on time, but I am classified as high risk due to several issues of concern for me along with the gastric bypass surgery, so I will induce if I need to do so.

After my appointment, I went out of my way to find Mexican nachos and ordered fish tacos. I ate my tacos and passed out for hours. It was so freaking satisfying, I can't even begin to express how much. What pregnancy has done to my body has been a whole wreck. I have to wait until I actually have a taste for something before I can eat. Then, I have to wait and see how it goes. Will I get sick? Will I be satisfied? Will I need more food in an hour? Who knows? But three tacos down and I was out like a light. This is a lot like recovering from #gastricbypass surgery all of those years ago.

I have felt so many emotions and I'm only a third of the way through this. It has thoroughly affirmed my belief in a woman's right to choose. My body isn't my own. This takes everything that I have got, and you have got to want that for yourself.

My child has had a name for years.

I have always wanted to be a mother.

I have always given thought to how I would raise my child.

But, I wasn't ready for the fear or the loneliness involved with being in this by myself. I tried to plan a life that was purposeful. I wanted to at least, be in this with someone who loved me or to be married. We don't always get what we want. This child is my first and will be my last because I don't want children by multiple people, so this child will be as spoiled as can possibly be and I'll try to cherish these moments that I know will only happen once.