A Change is G'on Come

My patience is being worked today in new and exciting ways. I will admit to having done all of this to myself, but I started out the morning with a vitamin water zero. Not the entire bottle, mind you, but a few ounces and I stopped drinking before I went downstairs to the bistro for a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich on toast and not the bagel that my coworker had. I wanted to test out how I would do with bread. I did just fine. After that, I waited 30-45 more minutes before I resumed fluids.

Before surgery, I used to start my morning with coffee from Starbucks, but I have switched to tea because of its ability to both soothe my stomach and empty it. (That’s putting it politely.) I will say this as often as I need to, but my results aren’t typical. I can still tolerate sugar. I haven’t tested this on LARGE amounts of sugar, nor do I want to, but I can lightly sugar my teas and coffees. That’s great for me as I truly hate the taste of artificial sweeteners. I’d drink coffee black before I used Sweet’N’low or equal. They’re just disgusting. (Sorry to the Sweet’N’Low and Equal manufacturers, but your product really does suck monkey arse-ticles.) For me, tea has been the better way to drink “water” throughout the day because of the calming effect that it has on me. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE ICE WATER like crazy these days, but some herb water (tea) is the greatest.

I’m now about to get philosophical. This is the point where I tell you not to give up or give in, because any progress, even slow progress, is still progress. I went to sleep last night feeling so very discouraged and I told myself that I was going to need to strictly adhere to the program in order to see the results that I needed to see because I hadn’t broken 255 yet and I was upset about not seeing more significant headway (not that I can blame anyone but myself for that.) However, that was how I went to bed, with a new resolve to do the right thing. When I woke up, I was 253.4! My eyes were barely open when I weighed myself, so I had to weigh again after I wiped the sleep out of my eyes. I was like “HO-LY S**T!” (Which, coincidentally, is how I always respond when I see weight loss.)

The past week has been a bit of a roller coaster because at one point, I had gotten to 252.something and went back up to 255 so I just knew that I was doing something wrong when I saw increase. A friend then gently explained that, perhaps, my body was going into starvation mode and trying to hold onto the foods that I put into it. I was more willing to accept that explanation than anything else.

I have started watching a show called My 600-Pound Life, and apart from being very sad at times (because you are watching a person physically destroy themselves,) it can get really inspirational. I started with Chuck’s story and a few things stood out to me. These people didn’t have to jump through any of the pre surgical hoops that I jumped through, and as much as I resented the setbacks, I truly understand why certain things were necessary before insurance would approve! For example, the psychiatric evaluation. That was a huge help, and I was FINALLY able to develop a relationship with a psychologist that allowed me to feel comfortable enough to start talking and actually allowing myself to be vulnerable. I really feel that I will be able to work through some of my non-weight related issues and come away healthier, or at least with a great deal more insight into myself.

Here’s an example of a conversation I had with my mother stemming from my therapy earlier in that evening: As I shared with my mother the realization that my last relationship (Orlando) had crippled my confidence, she told me that it broke her heart when I mentioned that my trysts with Patrick only occurred when he had been drinking. He literally had to be drunk in order to have sex with me. I explained to her that, in hindsight, his need to be inebriated had less to do with me and my physical attractiveness and much more to do with his need to be the “good guy” and have justification for straying from his relationship with Andrea. It’s easier to say, “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to cheat, I was drunk,” than to explain how you knowingly did so on several occasions. In any event, I have to say that, as I continue to hash out these things with a professional, free from judgment, I am feeling myself blossoming and I have never been so grateful.

I had quite a few complaints when I first woke up from surgery and I had even more worries. Now, things are beginning to change.